DEAD DOGS DESPERATE AND DATELESS. – 25th March 2009

Another glorious mild Autumn evening with the night sky darkening quickly, and an air of excitement as your Dead Dog’s team fronted up for the final outing of the season. DDD took to the green early, eager to dispel any rumours of falling prey to bad habits. He was joined promptly by LOL and D-Mac and our team would have been complete, but for the 6.00pm text from Andy Zee striking train problems.

We had an exuberant warm-up, but the minutes ticked over, while the main action started on the surrounding rinks. To our immediate east, the match of the night was in progress – a show down, between the winners of the Tuesday night competition, and the winners of the Wednesday night competition, the Burglars.

DDD was immediately on to the organisers, but indeed this was to be the story of the night – a no-show from our opponents, who had obviously heard of the prowess of the Dead Dog’s team. We could not believe this was to be the finale of the season – ending with a whimper, not a bang.

DDD was decidedly disconsolate – it was obvious for all to see: the edgy pacing of the green, the restless gaze, the twitching right arm – all signs of an addict in need of a fix. It will be no surprise to others who know that young man that he took off in the direction of the other rinks to hawk his body to the highest bidder, to feed the craving inside.

He got lucky with a team called the Bridesmaids, short of a player. They had been looking for a man for a while – all season in fact, and it was a moot point whether they actually found one. Reports suggest he fitted seamlessly into the side, the hair-do, the sweet, swaggering walk, the frou-frou dress etc.

I would like to take up a breach of rules at this point with the DD team management – no documents signed, or transfer fees exchanged on the night. Allegations have been made of “Fine Cotton” ring-in. This sort of behaviour will only bring this team into disrepute!

Meanwhile, D-Mac and LOL were left to play against the Ghosts of Bowlers Past, and to say we vaporised the opposition was an obvious understatement: the perfect shots that we were going to play all season suddenly materialised, but no satisfaction could be gained from this performance.

By this time we were extremely worried by the non-appearance of Andy Zee. Text messages were exchanged with a guarantee that he was on his way - “would there still be a game on?” We didn’t have the heart to tell him “yes, but not on our rink”. D-Mac and LOL stopped for a three-quarter-time drink at 8.45 and AZ appeared out of the darkness. He had walked all the way from Salisbury – NOW THAT’S COMMITMENT!

Too late to start over with a friendly, we called the night quits and headed in for the supper, and the luck of the raffle table. DDD made a guest appearance at this stage, but with the edge taken off his hunger, he hurried on to “business” commitments. A likely story.

A fistful of tickets, and on the penultimate draw, our table struck luck. Andy Zee went forward to take the prize, a choice between the Sausage Rolls, or the International Roast. Unfortunately the Sausage Rolls were not made of bean curds and lentils, and it was with dubious pride he returned to the table with the most fitting trophy to end the Dead Dogs season.

Obviously, a fight broke out as to who would take this worthy prize home. D-Mac was sure the coffee would not find favour with his good lady, and AZ still had an unopened tin at home, while LOL swore she wouldn’t touch the stuff. It was then remembered that there was a little Orphan Boy in Melbourne, down on his luck, who would give his right arm for such a prize.

So there you go, Roscoe, – the Ashes of the 2008-2009 are heading your way.
(hang the food miles – I’ll plant a tree)